April ’18 vs April ’19
- I was 4 months pregnant with our second child and was having difficulty with eating and drinking fluids because I throw up everything that touches my lips.
- I was – if I remember it correctly – around 55kg only as I lost ALOT of kgs due to vomiting almost 5 times a day.
- To be honest, I felt pretty because I was thin, I was confident because of the hormones our baby boy gave me. My skin was nearly perfect and my hair was bouncing and shiny.
- It didn’t bother me to go outside – I was outside most of the time because I was flaunting my baby bump as I was so excited for our second bundle of joy.
- I am 7 months post-partum, breastfed our baby for 6 months which made me eat like CRAZY. I ate almost 5 times a day right after I pump/latch because I was so hungry ALL THE TIME.
- I am almost 67kg – overweight for my height and age
- I lost ALOT of hair after I gave birth, my hair is dry and always up in a bun because our baby boy kept on pulling it. My pimples broke out all over my face and neck and I have black spots all over.
- It bothers me ALOT to come out. I am anxious ALL THE TIME because of the reflection I see on the windows and mirrors outside how “big” I have gotten these past few months.
Being a plus size mom nowadays here in the Philippines is so TOXIC because of all the judgy stares that I get whenever I walk past by the neighborhood. The greetings people smack to your face every morning is “Ang taba mo na!” (“You gained weight!/You got fatter!) Or the casual talk – “Parang nanaba ka ata?” (Did you gain weight?/Did you just get fatter?) or those comments that you hear “Siya na ba yun? Hindi ko siya nakilala kasi ang taba na nya!” (Is that her? I didn’t recognize her because she grew fat!).
Everytime people comment on my body, I feel like I always need to defend myself – “Kakapanganak ko lang po kasi.” (I just gave birth) or “Nagbreastfeed po kasi ako” (I gained weight because I am breastfeeding) or my usual joke “Masarap kasi kumain” (I love to eat). That’s why there are times that I opt to not go outside and just lock myself up inside our house to avoid these kinds of small talks that would ruin my day and add another pound of self-pity to my growing flabby tummy.
I chose to breastfeed because I know that our baby boy would benefit so much from it but I wasn’t ready with the effects that it caused my body. I stopped exclusively breastfeeding my son after 2 months as I needed to go back to work and chose to mixed feed and pump – and IT WAS HARD. The engorgement that I felt when I am a few minutes late in my pumping schedule, the anxiety I felt whenever I need to go out because I need to know where I can pump and bring all my pumping stuff with me (which was ALOT by the way and it was heavy). My life for 6 months became 3-hour increments and I was willing to push thru but then I got heavier and comments became harsher and I became unhappy. There came a time when I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror.
So I finally decided to stop pumping because I was growing more anxious and stressed every day. You may say that I am selfish – that I should’ve just shut my ears and mute everyone’s mouths and that I need to be strong for my kid – but no. I chose myself first because if I am unhappy I will become sick and I won’t be able to take care of my kids and husband.
After I stopped pumping, I decided that I will eat less than usual and help myself get back to my original shape (because I miss my jeans). A few weeks into my so-called “diet plan”, I was able to fit in my shorts and one of my jeans which made me so proud! I told myself “I can freakin’ do this.” BUT it is such a shame that some people just can’t see how hard you are trying to change just so they can tell you what they think about how you look. The “fat comments” didn’t stop and it felt like I moved one step forward to my goal but went two steps backwards because I felt extremely conscious again and questioned myself if I really CAN freakin’ do this.
It is devastating how one word can easily destroy someone’s self-esteem. I don’t understand why people are so obsessed with other people’s weight or why they describe someone based on how heavy they are.
If you are this person – YOU HAVE TO STOP.
For the mom who struggles with her weight, I AM TELLING YOU TO STOP.
For the girl who tells herself that she will start eating healthy tomorrow, I AM TELLING YOU TO STOP.
For the woman who cannot fit in her dress because of stress-eating, I AM TELLING YOU TO STOP.
The Bible said Proverbs 12:25 “Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down, But a good word makes it glad.”
Don’t be that person that would cause anxiety to other people. Is it really that hard to say a compliment rather than a criticism? Is it harder to say uplifting words than utter harsh comments?
Be that person who would bring joy to others.
Be that person who would celebrate other people’s little victories.
Be that person who would stop commenting about other people’s weights but rather talk about more important things other than an additional kilo.
If you are wondering, yes, I plan to continue with my “diet” but I am doing this for myself and NOT for other people. I will learn to accept that I am already an XL but would still desire to go back to my original size because it is healthier for me and NOT because I am ugly for being fat. Being a plus size is NOT a curse but it is a physical manifestation of the Lord’s blessings in your life.